The Memory Keeper's Daughter

I read this book a year ago and debated about commenting on it, but decided not to after all. But when I took a weekend trip a couple of weeks ago, it just kept coming up in my face. Over and over it was there at bookstores (in town and at the airport), front and center. A number of people pointed it to me, “Have you read this book? It is sooo good!” Hmmm, not sure I totally agree, but it was an interesting read but an unsatisfying ending to me. But, as this book kept coming up in my face so much, here I am adding my thoughts to the blogosphere on it. And it really does have a valuable spiritual lesson – that of the power and importance of honesty. Or perhaps, more accurately, it depicts the devastation of dishonesty.

If you aren’t familiar with the book, here’s a bit of a synopsis. David and Norah Henry, into the start of their marriage after a whirl-wind courtship, are racing to the hospital in a snowstorm in Lexington, Kentucky in the 1960s. She is about to give birth to twins. He is a doctor and must handle the delivery himself, along with the help of Nurse Caroline Gill at his own clinic. Their son is born first – whole and healthy. Their daughter arrives next, with all the signs of Downs Syndrome. David has flashbacks to his childhood, to a sister with the same condition and the misery this created for his mother and difficulties for the family. He makes a decision – to have the girl sent to a home via the nurse and tell his wife their daughter died in childbirth (Norah being unconscious from drugs and pain). Caroline Gill does her duty, at first. She takes the girl to the home David directs her to, but she is disgusted by what she finds and decides to raise the girl on her own. From there, life falls apart for the Henrys and becomes an adventure for Caroline Gill.

Now David has the huge secret of his decision, based on his own assumptions about his wife and her abilities, their relationship, etc., that he must continue to hide from Norah. And their relationship begins to fall apart as he begins to withdraw (from guilt, as a protection). Norah has no idea why this man, who she really didn’t know all that well yet, who was tender and caring, has changed, has closed in on himself. It isn’t until the end of the story that she and their son learn the truth, that they discover this daughter/sister they didn’t know, not until after Norah and David are long divorced and David has died.

For me, the lesson of The Memory Keeper’s Daughter is summed up in this statement from Mary Baker Eddy’s book Science and Health (p. 453):

“Honesty is spiritual power. Dishonesty is human weakness, which forfeits divine help.”

David depicts this weakness. He can’t live up to the obligations and issues that a child with Downs would create. And he assumes this weakness is true of his wife. He cloaks the action in the guise of relieving his wife of a difficult life, assuming she is like his mother, that she is not strong enough to face this type of challenge. And so falls into the trap of dishonesty and the strain of maintaining this lie (BTW, David knew Caroline ended up keeping his daughter, who she named Phoebe. Caroline regularly sent him information and pictures about Phoebe and her life – an action that likely drove David’s guilt deeper and caused him to retreat further within himself.).

I don’t know anyone with a child with Downs, but have certainly read and heard stories of those that do. These stories always depict people that truly rise to the occasion, that reach new levels of strength and love, that find special family bonds as the whole family unites to care for this precious one. David took this opportunity away from his family. From the characterization of Norah, she seems like one who would have cared for their special needs daughter with grace, love, and great strength. If David had been honest, if he had let Norah in on the decision, life would certainly have been totally different for the Henrys. But I don’t think it could have been worse than how it turned out, for sure! They could have found that spiritual strength to propel them along this path that was different than expected but that still would have been filled with joy and love, based on an honest, open decision from moment one of Phoebe’s appearance in their lives. Caroline Gill certainly had a wonderful life with Phoebe and did much good for many based on this dear girl’s presence in her life. It became more than it would have been otherwise.

Okay, yes, just a story, but a great lesson in the importance, the criticalness of honesty. And probably a good one about not making assumptions about others, too, cause you know what they say, when you “assume” you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” ;-0

So, not a whole-hearted recommendation of this book, but don’t let this stop you from reading it if you feel drawn to it.